Behind These Hazel Eyes
by CSIwildchild
Summary: She had to make a choice. Either way she would gain some and lose some. Or would she? Songfic to Kelly Clarkson's Behind These Hazel Eyes. Suggested ideas, PG.


_Seems like just yesterday  
You were a part of me  
I used to stand so tall  
I used to be so strong  
Your arms around me tight  
Everything, it felt so right  
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong  
_

We danced. And oh how it was so great to be blissfully ignorant! I didn't realize that I was hurting my one true love. I remembered everything so clearly. The way his lips moved so perfectly with mine and how his hands knew just where they should be. It wasn't until then I realized that this wasn't how it was meant to be. Yes, I did care about my dance partner just not as much as he.

_Now I can't breathe  
No, I can't sleep  
I'm barely hanging on_

He watched from across the room. I knew he was looking at me. I knew he was hurt. I continued to dance. I continued to ignore what my heart was saying. I knew that the one I was supposed to be with wasn't here with me. When I looked to where he was standing he wasn't there. I began to look around the grand room, searching to see as to where he went.

_Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes  
_

Then, he was there, right behind Remus. "May I cut in?" He asked tapping Remus on the shoulder. Oh, God. Remus just let him dance with me. Oh, God. I'm going to collapse. His arms feel so warm around me. _No! Bad Lily! Bad! You have Remus._ I just looked into his eyes and oh how they made me feel! I saw pain mixed with confusion and lust. Or was that love? _Don't get your hopes up Lily. _

_I told you everything  
Opened up and let you in  
You made me feel alright  
For once in my life  
Now all that's left of me  
Is what I pretend to be  
So together, but so broken up inside  
'Cause I can't breathe  
No, I can't sleep  
I'm barely hangin' on_

We spent so many wonderful nights together. I gave the entirety of myself to him. All along I had been with such a sweet and caring man, but I knew that I couldn't love him the way he loved me. I knew that after being in his arms again and after seeing the confusion in his eyes that I would have to end it, tonight. After the dance with him, I walked away as quickly as possible outside so I could digest what exactly I was feeling. It was there he found me.

_Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes_

He wrapped his arms around me and began to kiss my neck. I shrugged him off and began what I knew were going to be the worst words he had heard in a long time. "Listen, Remus," I began. "I know you love me."

"Yes. Yes, I do Lily," he had said. The worry and anticipation was written plainly in his facial features. I took a deep breath. _Come one Lily. You can do this you're a big girl now._ He must have noticed my internal conflict, "Are you OK?" He had asked.

"No, I'm not. Look, I don't love you, Remus. I'm sorry to be so blunt but I don't want to confuse you by not saying the direct truth. I'm in love with someone else, Remus. I'm sorry," I apologized. I kissed him on the cheek and then turned and left to go back inside to the dance.

_Swallow me then spit me out  
For hating you, I blame myself  
Seeing you it kills me now  
No, I don't cry on the outside  
Anymore...  
_

I ran into my lover again as I was racing back to the Hall. He asked, "Did you do it?" I could only respond by kissing him in the entrance hall, in front of everyone. I didn't care what others thought just then. I knew I had made the right choice. _Follow your heart._ My mother had once said. I knew she was a brilliant person. I just didn't know how brilliant until tonight.

_Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes_

January 14, 1978 was the day my life began with James. Remus eventually figured everything out. I knew I hurt him, but he loved me enough to realize that if he truly loved me he would just want me to be happy. James and I have started out own family now. James had the idea of adding to family again. I'm due July 28, 1982. Funny isn't it. Harry might have a brother or sister to celebrate his birthday with on the same day. Even though I love James so much, and Harry too, I still have to wonder what my life would be like if I had stayed with Remus.

_Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes_

She doesn't know how much she hurt me. She never will. I know she will have a happy life with James. I just hope that I can learn to let her go. I just want her to be happy. Lily knows I'm upset. She had always told me, "I know what you're thinking, Remus, behind your hazel eyes."

* * *

**_A/N: Bah, not the best piece of writing I've done. The song was Kelly Clarkson's 'Behind These Hazel Eyes'. I hope you enjoyed it. If you want to tell me (hopefully) how you enjoyed it or even if you have constructive criticism (ONLY! NO FLAMES!) Please review! I love you all and Happy Holidays!_**

_**You are loved!**_

**_James'Grl _**


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